Good fat, bad fat

The first time I was called fat was when I was probably 6/7 years old when I was at summer camp. There were twin girls who I played with and they were making fun of me calling me fat. At the time I was probably only a few pounds overweight but I was definitely a chubby child. I told my teacher on them because I knew it was mean and not right to do. She asked me, “well do you think you are fat?” I said no I don’t. Then she said well then don’t believe them and play with someone else. I think it was a great way to respond but also wish she would’ve spoke to those two as well.

Bullying starts at such a young age that it seems it is almost impossible to avoid. Some people are bullied for being small/short, some for being too tall or even for wearing glasses. We can also be bullied based on our personality and how we act. Basically anything that makes you different, kids want to make fun of you and let you know that you are not fitting in their perfect box of normal.

Although it may be part of growing up and learning social norms, it still feels bad for those being bullied. We can forgive and heal from the memories but it still affected us in that time and still does now.

The sad part is that most of the bullies learned this behavior from someone else, maybe a sibling, parent or family member. They copy this because they think it is how to act and treat others and they do not know that it is wrong yet. You would think that if you feel badly when someone says something hurtful to you that you wouldn’t repeat that to anyone else, but we do, all the time.

The second experience I remember vividly as a child was going to a Girl Scout sleepaway camp for a week. I only knew my one friend who went with me but some of the other girls in our campsite knew each other already. They came up with this weird game or thing that they wanted everyone to do, it was to put your shirt over your head and put your hands under your armpit and pretend to be a moose. Sounds innocent right? Well for me I was about 10/11 years old and I did not want to participate in the silly game because I was ashamed of my body.

Again I told my camp counselors and they were told to stop. But that doesn’t mean that they were automatically nice again and everything was back to normal. Nope now I was the weird girl who got them in trouble and was afraid to lift her shirt because she was fat.

Overall the camp was fun and I still remember the songs we sang in the cafeteria every day. I think that memory did affect my experience and made me not want to go there ever again. I still went to summer camp every year but just locally and not overnight. Did I still get bullied for being fat? Yes of course. I just learned how to handle it better and made friends with other people and still had fun.

However, I didn’t always learn to stay away from bullies as I sometimes thought they were my friend because they weren’t doing it in the same way. The best example of this was when I was in 5th grade and my friend at the time told me “Kenzie you are so pretty, you have a perfect face, eyes, smile and hair, but if you lost some weight you would look way better. My other friend doesn’t like people who are fat so I don’t know if she will like you.” This came from someone I trusted and thought was a friend giving me advice. Maybe someone else said that to her too or was bullying her for being “fat” at home. Regardless, I forgive what anyone has said to me in the past and know that we all have our own traumas and stories. But now I’ve grown up and realized how many people were not really my friend.

The purpose of saying all of this is that our body image does not define who we are. We are so much more than how we look, but it is about how we feel. If we feel shitty inside, we will make other people feel shitty too. When we feel love inside we share and express that with others.

I am grateful for my body that supports me and has done so much for me in my life so far. Even when I didn’t treat my body with love and respect, it is still here for me and shows me my true strength.

The hardest thing has to be this new chapter of my life as a mom. Wanting to prevent the same experiences for my daughter, but knowing that I can’t control everyone or shelter her forever. I want nothing more for all girls and women to just be themselves and be happy with who they are naturally in all shapes and forms.

Ironically, all 3 of these stories were girls bullying other girls. Although I have been called fat by boys/men, I remember these times more because they were my friends and peers I wanted to accept me. This just goes to show that sometimes women and men are their worst enemy. I know boys that were so mean to other boys as children and more often they see it as funny and just “boys being boys”. When a boy tells on the teacher for being bullied they are viewed as weak or different than girls. Even at a young age we are seeing the divide between genders and how we should deal with bullying.

I always wanted to be skinny, but never got there in the right way. Whenever I tried to diet or eat healthy I would binge and go into the deep end of guilt and self loathing. Once I healed my inner child and reminded her that she is beautiful no matter what she looks like and will always be perfect regardless of what anyone thinks, then I found peace.

I chose foods that were nourishing and moved my body often because I wanted to not because I had to. Creating a healthy relationship with self care and self love were the foundation to my growth. Journaling and writing like this has been extremely helpful and connecting with other people who are on their healing journey also made things easier.

There is no one size fits all or magic medicine to the healing process, so we just have to learn and adjust as we go. Letting go of old beliefs and feelings is hard, but oh is it worth it to feel like yourself again.

Always remember, it’s a great day to be alive 🙌🏼

You are love & light, shine bright like you are, a star 💫